I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
