Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize