We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
