Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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