Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
worst night to have a conscience
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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