just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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