i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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