My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
