Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
