The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
