I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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