I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize