**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
