Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
