I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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