Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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