watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
