Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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