areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
