Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
