i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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