Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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