he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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