the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
