Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
