Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
