Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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