I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize