forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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