Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
