Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
