Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
