The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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