Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
you never un-have a 4some
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
