dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
