I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
my phone needs a breathalizer
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Randomize
