The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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