life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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