If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just had sex on a roof
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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