I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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