In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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