just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
