Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
