I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
