Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
