So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Sober January is a disaster.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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