Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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