i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
