just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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