Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
