see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
