I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
