Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize