There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
