The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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