I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
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