I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Too much gin, very little bucket
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize