On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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