my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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