I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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